Not beauty in a worldly sense, ick, no. No orange skin, plastic surgery, or chandelier earrings for me. I want the beauty that is God. In my holistic Catholic worldview, God is the Absolute Good - there can be nothing better - and that Good encompasses Truth, Love, and Beauty. Beauty is the physical dimension of Truth and Love, and it runs deeper than the sexual appeal that passes for beauty at times - though properly ordered sexuality is a good, and is beautiful. Beauty in absolute terms means, to me, everything that reflects the Creator, and therefore it is everywhere.
The "problem" with such an aesthetic is that it cannot be truly appreciated at top speed. A sunset or a cathedral may be striking enough to force the necessary slowing down, but is a child? A stack of neatly folded towels? A piece of moss, such as the one I have been nursing on a twig for the last week? A dead man's life story? I want to believe that there is beauty in everything, but my cynical heart and my crazy life are not making it easy. The more I try to prioritize toward love and beauty, the more trouble I run into with people who think I'm prioritizing wrongly. That I need to get back to my schoolwork; that I can live later. If I don't learn how to live now, though, I don't know when I ever will.
Living up to my academic potential was supposed to be fulfilling for me, I suppose, or maybe it's just what was expected of me all these years. I have two extremely intelligent parents whose college GPAs were in the 3.9 range, and who always knew I was capable of doing the same. Mentally, yes, I'm capable of it. I'm also capable of cooking fabulously, taking good care of Simon when he's in too much pain to walk, and knitting ridiculously complicated lace - all of which I would much rather do than obsess over my schoolwork. (As evidenced by my writing this post instead of the final exam essay due in 6 hours.) If I applied myself only to school and to nothing else, I'd be valedictorian, but I'd go crazy in the process. So what if I "only" have a 3.74 average? I sure as anything don't care. I'm taking an academic direction where I'll be more appreciated for my ideas than for my grades anyway, and I have no problem producing ideas; I can be really dedicated when I want to. Maybe I really am undisciplined. Maybe it's just that famed stubbornness. Maybe I just have realized that while academics were what got my parents where they wanted to go, they're not necessarily going to do the same for me.
What am I going to do with myself, then? I don't know; I'm still figuring that out. I'm certainly not marrying into money or attempting to make the search for beauty into a career. I think my goal right now is just to live, and live happily. I've come at my life very fast, am graduating very young, and still carry myself as if I were much older...I just want to slow down for a while and remember the love of God.
Is that too much to ask?
--Veronica--
