Salt and Water

This morning I had a horrible, horrible nightmare in which I was reliving a particular sin, and woke up from it very suddenly with feelings of disgust and fear. I've had this problem before, generally leading to another downward spiral of depression as I get onto myself for thinking about something I was never supposed to think about again.

At the same time, I realized with a shock that I'd fallen back asleep after my alarm had gone off and had almost overslept my meeting that morning. I placed a quick call to the affected person and we got things worked out, and in the meantime I started to feel a little better about the nightmare, realizing that it was only a dream and that I would be able to stop myself if I were ever in that situation again while awake. However, these things have a habit of breaking out in clusters (often causing me to go days without proper sleep because I'm afraid to go to bed and have them again), and I began wondering how I could keep them from effecting me while I was awake, if I couldn't stop them in the first place.

At that moment, I had a mental vision of plunging my head into a bowl of salt water. That would cleanse my mind and allow me to keep going forward with my day. "This is how peasant superstitions get started," I laughed, and resolved to use the thing in a piece of writing somewhere rather than seriously do it myself. However, I kept getting gently poked by the idea until I decided to look it up and see if it was really a thing, or what the symbolism of it might be - and was shocked to see that salt water actually is a common 'magical' defense against nightmares. At first I panicked a bit, thinking, "Oh God, now the devil is trying to get me into magic." I admit I have proclivities toward superstition to start with (most people do, it's why we develop rituals for everything) and I was rather worried that they were getting directed in the wrong way. I prayed like mad and kept clicking links to see if I might be wrong.

When I saw that one site suggested using salted holy water, I calmed down and remembered how much 'magic' is derived from valid sacramentals that have become worshiped in and of themselves rather than seen as simply focuses for devotion, grace, and protection. I then started looking specifically for the uses of salt in holy water and found to my surprise that blessed salt and blessed salt in holy water are long-established means of driving away evil in all its forms. Despite a long Catholic education, somehow I had never actually learned much about salt besides the whole "salt of the earth" thing. We're accustomed in modern times to revile it for being unhealthy in quantity, but salt has been used since the ancients for preservation, and Catholics take that to symbolize preservation from sin. Obviously, a sacramental is not going to be all-efficacious against the devil, given that people sin in churches all the time, but really - besides direct Divine intervention, what is?

This post is running much longer than I meant to, so I'll try to wrap it up. What does it mean that the idea came to me by itself? Could mean almost anything. It's possible, I suppose, that I learned about blessed saltwater at one point and simply forgot until now, but I don't often do that kind of thing. It's also possible that I came up with the idea myself, based on the symbolism of salt and water, basic human symbols, but I'm not so sure that's what happened. I also highly doubt, now that I'm calmer, that the devil is going to hand me the key to a sacramental that will help me lessen his influence over me. I think it was from God. Now, am I going to literally go stick my head in a bowl of holy saltwater? Probably not, but I'm not ruling it out. I see it like the difference between baptism by immersion and baptism by pouring: they do the same thing, but one is more deeply symbolic and makes it easier to make the mental connection between form and matter.

Since a sacramental has no power in and of itself, it only does good when a person understands it as a physical link to God. Perhaps what was really needed here was just for me to realize the power of the prayers that are constantly gathered around me. I mean, like most Catholic girls, I have a collection of holy medals big enough to sink a battleship. In all honesty, I'm too chicken to go ask a priest to bless some salt for me, so I'll probably just go back to taking my rosary to bed...which really ought to be just as good.

Still, I wonder if we have any more holy water laying around the house.

--Veronica--

Recipe: Tuna Rice Bake

I'm terrible at fasting.

I don't really understand why I am; if it's a regular day and I simply don't think about food, I can easily make it through the whole day, having eaten less than half of a "normal" meal, without having any adverse effects. However, if I'm fasting for a purpose, I can guarantee I'll be sick as a dog before noon. I'd love to be able to just offer it up, grit my teeth, and soldier on, but it usually manifests itself in horrible acid reflux that keeps me from breathing, thinking, driving...I'm literally unable to function at all. I'm not sure what makes that fasting different from "Oh, whoops it's 8 pm, better eat something," but it's really infuriating. Another day of fast and abstinence is coming up, though, so I'm trying to figure out what I can eat to keep me reasonably functional through an entire day of school and travel. (Simon is taking me to meet some of his family over Easter.) I'm thinking maybe a protein bar and part of a banana before I leave for school, maybe some yogurt before bed, and a real lunch before Simon and I leave for his mom's house. A few days ago I came up with this tuna rice...thing to satisfy a craving I had - I'll probably throw that together for us, with a salad on the side. Mmm. Greens. I don't have a picture of the tuna bake because of how quickly it was eaten both times I've made it, so...use your imagination.

Tuna Rice Bake
Prep Time: 6-7 min
Serves: 2

1 can tuna
1 package (2 individual containers) "Minute Rice" - the brown rice.
~1 tbsp spicy mustard
~2 tbsp mayonnaise
paprika, to taste
"Mexican blend" shredded cheese

Cook the rice in the microwave per package directions. Combine all ingredients except the cheese in a small casserole dish or large ramekin, adjusting proportions as desired. Top with shredded cheese and bake in the microwave for 3-4 minutes, until cheese melts and starts to brown..

-Veronica-

Laetare Jerusalem!

Laetare Jerusalem: et conventum facite omnes qui diligitis eam: gaudete cum laetitia, qui in tristitia fuistis: ut exsultetis,et satiemini ab uberibus consolationis vestrae. -- Introit, Laetare Sunday

This week was Laetare Sunday, traditionally a day of rejoicing midway through Lent. Personally, I find it to be a good opportunity to look at how well my Lenten practices are going. In the past, I've chosen to sacrifice something like sweets or computer usage; this year, I started out all fired up to go old-school and spend the entire forty days without any meat, dairy, eggs, or added sugar.

Yeah...you can guess how long that lasted. (I'm nomming on a Snickers bar in between sentences.)

Simon had a much better idea, anyway - he suggested I should give up anxiety, since the severe depression and anxiety that I've had for years are seriously interfering with my life and are only getting worse. I ended up dropping the veganism in favor of something similar to that: this Lent, I'm trying to trust. Sometimes it's very, very hard to stop myself and say "Jesus, I trust in You" once something goes wrong or I start panicking, but I have done my ever-loving best to try. While you might expect this to be the part where I begin to joyfully chirp about how much better and easier my life is since attempting to consciously, actively put my trust in the Lord, nothing like that has happened. Instead, everything has suddenly gotten much worse.

The first three weeks of Lent were the worst pit of depression I have experienced since I was a young teen with no close friends, a skewed body image, and an unhealthy romantic relationship. My anxiety and tension suddenly rose again, triggering vision problems, muscle pain, stomach illness, flashbacks, and disturbing nightmares. After going months without a truly disabling panic attack, yesterday I had three within a twelve-hour span. My compulsive coping mechanisms have resurfaced stronger than ever and greater in number, while the intrusive, obsessive thoughts have become near-constant. Needless to say, I feel like a complete nut case. Who said being a Christian makes your life easier?

There are bright points. The increased intensity finally convinced me to try treatment again after a disastrous first effort a year ago - first effort because I am still fighting the perception that my illnesses are shameful and reflect poorly on my self-control and maturity. I've started working with a psychiatrist, and I really hope that the medication I've just started and the therapy sessions I have coming up will help, even if they make it worse to start out with. I think something along those lines is why everything has become worse now. I haven't yet gotten used to holding on to Jesus exclusively, and without my familiar habits of pride and self-loathing to fall back on, my footing is a bit wobbly. I'm also not so sure that Satan doesn't have a hand in this, since he has a history of interfering pretty obviously - at least, to me - with my efforts toward Heaven...though that's another story.

All I can do, really, is keep praying, keep trying to take care of myself, and keep working toward my silent goal of being a healthy woman, capable of being a good professional, but first and foremost a good wife and mother - and above all, a faithful daughter of God. I like my progress so far this Lent - it's a painful start, but it's still a start, and I hope good will come of it. Even in the midst of suffering I can rejoice.

Rejoice, O Jerusalem: and come together all you that love her: rejoice with joy, you that have been in sorrow: that you may exult, and be filled from the breasts of your consolation.


--Veronica--